An epic rant that only the 2014 Chicago Bears could induce

Lance briggs chicago bears

(Brian Cassella / Chicago Tribune)

I present to you a painfully accurate picture of the hot garbage mess known as the Chicago Bears, as constructed by Phil Emery and “led” by Marc “Brick” Trestman.  This wonderfully epic rant is courtesy of my good friend Jonathan Naumiec:

“In other news, the Bears blow goats. It is my preference that they finish the season 3-13 instead of wasting everyone’s time trying to win games. 10-6 will likely not even get you a playoff spot. It WILL get you a worse draft position, though. Plus, the more games they lose the more chance there is that Mel Tucker (the defensive coordinator) will be fired. And possibly that someone will wake up from their post-mushroom consumption, hallucinogenic dream that Jay Cutler is going to turn into Peyton Manning. Maybe the entire offensive line can stay healthy for more than one season? Stability in the trenches would help. Brian Urlacher would also help. Is he available to return from retirement? He could probably play Safety better than Brock Vereen. And Chris Conte. Maybe the defensive line would actually record a sack if they’re enticed to rupture their ACL’s during a post-sack celebration. Right now, they can record my sack…on their faces. Did Ryan Mundy ever play in the NFL? Does he understand the difference between two different jersey colors? Maybe he’s colorblind. That would explain Jordy Nelson streaking down the sideline wide open for a touchdown while Mundy was stuck in an endless back peddle. He probably thought the team was still in Bourbonnais. That wouldn’t make sense, though, considering Brick Trestman said that everyone looks stellar in practice. Including Mel Tucker. He’s such a good teacher. He teaches people to laugh alongside Aaron Rodgers while Rodgers throws for 2308942039 touchdowns. (That will break Peyton’s all-time touchdown record, by the way.) Will Chris Williams break Devin Hester’s all-time return touchdown record? Hell yeah! Orrrr not. Why don’t you get a little deeper in the end zone this week before you decide to run the ball out? The defensive Special Teams unit doesn’t have enough opportunities to tackle you before the 10 yard line. You know who that benefits? Nobody. Well, maybe Jay Cutler…just so he has extra opportunities to show off his cannon-arm while he hurls passes 10 yards over Alshon Jeffrey’s head. But I digress. Defensive Special Teams is the heart and soul of the Bears. When Dave Toub left a couple years ago (because Lovie and everyone else were pushed out the door), Bears’ brass did some hardcore investigating. They said “You know whose Special Teams kicks ass? The Cowboys.” Said nobody ever. Yet the Bears hired Joe DeCamillis anyway. In doing so, the Bears went from being a perennial ST powerhouse to a unit full of junior varsity players fresh off the bus. “It’s Friday Night Lights, guys! And we’re gonna get our asses kicked! Team on 3! 1-2-Weeeeeee!” Brandon Marshall thinks that Brick Trestman is the best coach for the Bears. Really dude? Are you on that shit? You high? I would be inclined to believe you if Josh McCown were QB and the offense hummed like the men’s Glee Club. Instead, the in-huddle motto is “3-And-Out.” I’m glad we signed Matt Forte to a multi-year extension. Congrats brother! You’re wasting the prime of your career watching your team deteriorate. You’re possibly the best all-around Running Back we’ve ever had. Yet, you’ll merely be a name alongside statistics because this team will not win a Super Bowl while you’re a member of the roster. The struggle is real.”

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